First, off let’s start by saying that there is no such thing as the best method,
the best protocol, the best book to read on how to be the best parent.
Whether or not your child has special needs or not, there just simply isn’t a
method that is the one to use.

Every snowflake is different and so is every child. Every family is different
too. So those “experts” who espouse to know just how YOU should be doing
something as important as raising your child are way off the mark!

Now that is not to say that there are not real theories and ideas out there
about how to handle specific situations – the oppositional child, the one who
refuses to eat, the overly shy child, etc. Yes, there are suggestions out there on
how to handle these situations, but remember that is what they are: suggestions,
not dogma. (And I say this as an author of book about special needs
children!)

All too often I have seen well meaning parents read a book, go to a lecture or
seminar and come back and “swallow the system whole.” They structure their
lives around doing the “recipe” totally unaware that there is no tried and true
path for raising children.

However, there are a few things that can help:

There are a lot of “cookbooks” out there. The advice
overflow can be confusing and overwhelming.
Starting with thegold standard of Dr. Spock,
all of them promise that if you follow their
method, you will have the happiest, most
well-behaved, adjusted children ever.

If it were only that easy, first, there would be only
ONE book everyone used, and second, it would
imply that we are all the same. But, alas, we are not
all the same and the plethora of books substantiates
that.

What does happen when parents marry a
system is that is stymies the parents’ creativity.
If “Jimmy” is acting out and he is not stopped
because the “book” says to let him “figure it
out,” that may work at home, but at school
when the teacher says “stop,” she means
“stop and now”. Not used to that, “Jimmy”
can be unjustly labeled a “trouble-maker”
when in truth he is only doing what
is acceptable at home.

If you Google “parenting,” you come up with 1,000-plus entries, and if you try
“best parenting,” you get even more!

When my daughter, now 36, was graduating high school, she wrote a song
with the opening lines: “Kids don’t come with instruction books, and they
don’t come with guarantees; I’d like to thank you Mom and Dad for taking
care of me…”

I saw a greeting card recently that listed the “Top 10 Reasons” someone was
the best parent and No. 1 was “ You Love Me.” Forget about being embarrassing,
you will be; being “hated,” absolutely but only temporarily; not being
“cool,” hardly ever and the list goes on.

Don’t be afraid to parent your child. Your child wants you to be the parent.
They have peers at school. They need you to be the steady force that guides
them – reliable, constant and loving.

Saying “no” is part of the program; boundaries are everywhere, and they
might as well learn that starting at home. We live with red lights, schedules to
meet and behavioral constraints. Children need to learn that boundaries can
also be guiding and protective.

Letting a child learn from “natural consequences” may be OK
some of the time, but left solely to a world of “consequences”
without limitations, other than those
self-imposed, can lead to chaos and confusion.

Because something worked at your friend’s
home with “Jill” does not mean it will work with
your “John.” Because something looks good in a
book, does not mean it will work in your home.
Because the video at the seminar was motivating,
does not mean that you can reproduce that within
your family.

Use COMMON SENSE, and just provide love, security,
structure, boundaries and patience – for both you and
your child.

Susan N. Schriber Orloff, OTR/L, is the author of Learning
Re-enabled, a guide for parents, teachers and therapists.
Susan is CEO and is the executive director of Children’s Special
Services, LLC, an occupational therapy service for children
with developmental and learning delays in Atlanta. She can be
reached at childrens-services.com; OTRLovesKids on Twitter
and LDMadeEAsy.blogspot.com.